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My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

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My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  Nano_Zac on Sat May 10, 2014 2:33 pm

Name: Sarah Moonlight

Age: 15

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Race: E.V.O.

Allegiance: Neutral

Origins: E.V.O

Weapon: Fire whip, She uses this very, VERY rarely, And it's the only thing she had left from her dad.

Powers:
Air: Flight: Using her natural E.V.O powers and understanding of physics, Sarah zips around using air currents for up to five hours.(Medium Power and block)

Air Shield: Creating a shield of air in front of her, Sarah is able to block small projectiles that head for her.(Low to Medium Power)

Pyro: Flame Body: Sarah is able to change her body into pure flame, using it to enhance her combat potential. She can only use this power for a limited time.(High power)

Fire Haze: Using a very small amount of fire to create an odd vapor, Sarah uses this skill to temporary paralyze her foes.(Medium Power)

Steam Escape: Using her wind abilities, Sarah drawing in moisture, which she then heats up with her flames to create a steam bank for which she uses to escape.(Flee power)


Appearance: She has the most beautiful blue eye's. She has long silky purple hair and a red shirt w/ a white and purple bunny. She wears red baggy pants.
Sarahs Appearance:

Strengths:
She is a huge science wiz and LOVE'S it and the study of elementals.
She only understands a half of fire.
She grasp's the knowledge of physics(Hens the reason for her flight ability).

Weaknesses:
She HATE'S the cold, can't swim all that well.
She is unable to speak English(the language)well
She can't focus that well.

Personality: She's a tomboy, She get's mad if you touch Torch too much. She Heavily believe's in Astrology and believe's destiny can be foretold, She chew's her nail's(Because of her autism). Due to her autism, Sarah has developed OCD and has a hard time concentrating.

History: Zeke has been her friend since kindergarten and now there dating. She come's from a wealthy family. She has a pet named torch and he's a extremely rare E.V.O Vulpimancer that has been genetically altered(From turning E.V.O)to make flame's shield his whole entire body, he came from her dad for her 11th birthday before he died, He was still a pup when she got him. She has HFA(high functioning autism). Her dad (He's a plumber) died when she was 11 and It was at the time of the fusion war and at the time he and the plumber's were trying to kill Lord Fuse but only a hand full of plumber's came back alive. She has a red and purple hoverboard.

Do you use nanos: No


Last edited by Nano_Zeus on Sat Feb 21, 2015 3:21 am; edited 28 times in total
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  xxPsyapane10xx on Sat May 10, 2014 2:36 pm

Need to be more specific on powers. A little more detail on personality. More history.


Last edited by xxPsyapane10xx on Sat May 10, 2014 2:40 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  techee on Sat May 10, 2014 2:38 pm

Needs a lot of help and a lot of reworking. I can't accept her in this condition.
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  zerowing21 on Sat May 10, 2014 2:49 pm

We would love to know more about her past, this is so she's not an entirely blank slate.
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  Mr.Didathing on Sat May 10, 2014 3:18 pm

Does she wear pants?
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  zerowing21 on Sat May 10, 2014 3:27 pm

There is still a good amount of work, but don't worry we'll help ya.

Her powers need names and how powerful they are.

You should add another strength to balance out the weakness.

The personality needs to be fleshed out a bit more, but you don't need to use first person on it.

History needs give a background in the past and the present so we know them more.
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  Blueyedemoness on Sat May 10, 2014 3:45 pm

Your powers are a bit disorganized and you need to be more specific. What kinds of attacks can your air power can block and does her flight length for five hours mean that's her limit for a day or is it just for how long she can stay in flight? How is your fire supposed to stun enemies?

Another thing your appearance doesn't make much sense. Is your character supposed to look like a bunny? Also your strengths make no sense. If they were about a regular human with powers and in their studies then maybe it would but none of your strengths seem to explain themselves. How is science a strength? Is she better with technology? Is she able to do experiments? What about 'study of the elementals'? Is this supposed to tell us that she has vast knowledge of them? And what about Fire being a strength? What exactly does fire do for her? Is it just anything to do with the element or is it specific things?

Your weaknesses are okay other than English and History for I do not understand why they are weaknesses if they are just subjects that Sarah is not good at -which I assume they are but you may correct me on this for I do not know- Your personality needs a lot of work and I am confused about the 'I am a universe type of person'. What do you mean by that? You need to be more specific about your character's personality if you want to her be a believable character and not someone who is flat and dull. Also if she has autism you should state it in the personality and then tell us what type of autism she has because there are different variations of the condition and it would help to know which she has. Lastly on the personality what do you mean she believes in signs? Like the Zodiac signs? Please be more specific.

Some last notes your history needs more sustenance we need to know more about the character's backstory and to go more in depth as to her relationship (like friendship) with her friend Zeke. How did she get a phoenix and why does have it? What is its name? Who are her parents? Does she have siblings? These sorts of questions and even more help adapt your character with a backstory that is both believable and interesting for that character to be interesting and not flat as we are trying to avoid right now.

I would also suggest putting a space inbetween your commas since its a bit distracting and makes your profile look disorganized and cluttered.

Until these things are fixed/edited I cannot accept this profile in its current state

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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  zerowing21 on Sat May 10, 2014 8:09 pm

As I said, it looks much better than before. Those the thing about hating Blue, that's kind of breaking the 4th wall and I wouldn't exactly count it. As for the rich thing, it could be better stated this way, I come from a rather wealthy family.
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  zerowing21 on Sat May 10, 2014 8:49 pm

I looks much better and I will give you my tentative approve.
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  techee on Sun May 11, 2014 11:07 pm

It is quite improved. And so, I will accept her.
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  Kyra_Xyrespace on Sun May 11, 2014 11:33 pm

ZeusC2001 wrote:Powers:
Air: I can fly (for 5 hour's and if I don't do it before 6 hour's I fall) and block certain attack's.
Pyro: I  can shield my body with fire, I can stun my enemies (For 10 minutes)

Are these the powers you control or the attacks? Preferably, we would like OCs to have one primary power with attacks related to the power. Also, how does having air power block certain attacks? What certain attacks are blocked? How does having pyro stun an enemy?

Strengths: Science, the study of elementals, fire, and physics.

Is she good at fire? Is she knowledgeable with fire? Does she understand laws of physics? The wording is rather vague, so I suggest touching them up. They don't have to be changed, just reworded so it's less ambiguous on what she's good at.

Weaknesses: HATE'S the cold, can't swim all that well. Unable to understand and is bored by english and history.

English as in the subject? While the history one may be able to pass since that is a fault (if you don't learn from your past, you are doomed to repeat it), why would not understanding books be an issue to the extent that it's a weakness?

Personality: I'm a tomboy, I get mad if you touch my pet. I Heavily believer in astronomy and believe destiny can be foretold.  I chew my nail's(A lot...).

Please add a bit more. You're getting there, but the character is still a little flat. You mentioned the OC having HFA in the history, so I suggest drawing upon the symptoms and using it here.

History: Zeke has been my friend since kindergarten and now where dating. I come from a wealthy family. I have a genetically enhanced pet fire dog that has been trained to turn on and off his fire power's on command. I have autism (High functioning,I have very bad ocd). My dad (He's a plumber) died when I was 11 and It was at the time of the fusion war and at the time he and the  plumber's were trying to kill Lord Fuse but only a hand full of plumber's came back alive. I have a red and purple hoverboard.

Where did the pet come from and how did the family get it (I assume through the father, but why was it enhanced? Is it an EVO? A normal pet with alien blood?)?

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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  Kyra_Xyrespace on Tue May 13, 2014 5:56 pm

Most of my comments were addressed, so I'll give her a tentative approval. She'll need touch up in the rp, but she's passable for it.

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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  Mr.Didathing on Tue May 13, 2014 5:58 pm

Might as well approve. Let's see how this goes.
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

Post  Nano_Zac on Tue May 13, 2014 6:00 pm

Thank you all!!!11!
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Re: My Main OC, Sarah Moonlight

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