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Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Kaiser on Tue Sep 01, 2015 10:49 pm

Alright, that's fine and all, but that doesn't make them any less OP. He's taking away people's ability to talk. How is that not overpowered? The only way this could work is if it's for less than a minute even while concentrating.

As for the charm voice...you seriously don't think having the power to influence someone else's decisions isn't ridiculous (there's also the whole can of worms of why would anyone ever let you do that if they have the choice, but that's besides the point)? I can see it if he's a bard (which the required readings do mention have this ability), but since he's an elementalist...as you claim here:

youngjusticeforever wrote:Zeytran himself is an Elementalist, which is rather strange due to his family coming from a long line of Pyro's and Noctem's


He can't have high level spells or even two of the same type of magic, as the description says here:

Elementalist/Shaman- You're able to use many different type of elements, but since your a master of none, you can't have high powered attacks nor can you have two spells of the same element.

And you put it as a medium, but this is definitely a high level spell. Something major like forcibly influencing someone I refuse to think is anything but high level magic.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Wed Sep 02, 2015 12:33 am

Kaiser wrote:Alright, that's fine and all, but that doesn't make them any less OP. He's taking away people's ability to talk. How is that not overpowered? The only way this could work is if it's for less than a minute even while concentrating.

As for the charm voice...you seriously don't think having the power to influence someone else's decisions isn't ridiculous (there's also the whole can of worms of why would anyone ever let you do that if they have the choice, but that's besides the point)? I can see it if he's a bard (which the required readings do mention have this ability), but since he's an elementalist...as you claim here:

youngjusticeforever wrote:Zeytran himself is an Elementalist, which is rather strange due to his family coming from a long line of Pyro's and Noctem's


He can't have high level spells or even two of the same type of magic, as the description says here:

Elementalist/Shaman- You're able to use many different type of elements, but since your a master of none, you can't have high powered attacks nor can you have two spells of the same element.

And you put it as a medium, but this is definitely a high level spell. Something major like forcibly influencing someone I refuse to think is anything but high level magic.

I'd say it isn't OP, compare to other things that are possible, and Charm Voice does not forcibly influence, you cannot forcibly influence. In the end, if the victim chooses not to do it, he can't do anything about that. I might just end up changing him into a Sound only type, which would negate the High Level Spell. He's naturally enticing, it's part of him, but as a bard it's even more potent, which can be focused into Charm Voice, although I'd like to know more about Bard, because I may just alter the spells a bit.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Professor Utonium on Mon Sep 07, 2015 12:44 pm

youngjusticeforever wrote:I'd say it isn't OP, compare to other things that are possible, and Charm Voice does not forcibly influence, you cannot forcibly influence.

I wouldn't argue with what the mods say is OP or not.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Kyra_Xyrespace on Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:35 pm

youngjusticeforever wrote:Powers:
Spoiler:
Magic(mostly Dark Magic), Charm Voice(very low powered and rarely used), as well as able to create White Flames, and finally Telekinesis(and I can use it, because Them uses it, so it's the same restrictions) Zeytran himself is an Elementalist, which is rather strange due to his family coming from a long line of Pyro's and Noctem's. Zeytran prefers to use Sound abilities, a signature move is Charm Voice.
Sonic Shockwave, High, Zeytran will focus Sonic power into a concussive blast(drains a lot of energy)
Charm Voice, Medium, Zeytran can combine Sonics with his natural Alluring nature into a Charm Voice, which can influence decisions sometimes however Zeytran rarely uses this
Echolation, high, self explanatory is it not?
Sound Vacuum, low, Zeytran can silence a foe or ally temporarily so long as concentration is maintained

He cannot have all of this. Please limit it to six. Six is the maximum allowed attacks/spells to have.

Zeytran is very intelligent(yet sometimes forgets it and remembers it later)

Does he forget he's smart? Or do you mean he just forgets in general?

Name: Sorrow
Powers: Sorrow is a master at deception, Sorrow has the capabilities to mess with an opponents mind, so high level Illusion, exceptionally strong but very slow, Sorrow may try to make foes or allies alike see things that aren't there and slowly drive the victim to the brink of insanity in which Sorrow takes pleasure in
Weaknesses/Dislikes: Joy(personality), pleasant emotions, any Demon who will stand up to him(not that Sorrow will admit it, but any who do stand up to him usually gain his respect) and when Joy fixes all of Sorrow's "fun"
Strengths/Likes: Pain, Misery, Hate(Personality), Hate, Driving others to the brink of Insanity, other being's misery and suffering
Note: Sorrow is an absolute sadist(I'll tone it down if you request)

This isn't Sorrow. At no point would anyone anywhere call this sorrow; he is the furthest thing from what sorrow is, and there would be no reason for anyone including himself to call him Sorrow. His name would be more inline with Psychotic since he ticks off enough boxes.

Powers: Sorrow is a master at deception, Sorrow has the capabilities to mess with an opponents mind, so high level Illusion, exceptionally strong but very slow, Sorrow may try to make foes or allies alike see things that aren't there and slowly drive the victim to the brink of insanity in which Sorrow takes pleasure in

The first isn't a power, it's a skill, so it'd belong in strengths. Does Zeytran have the ability of Illusion? If not, then Sorrow cannot have it since they still occupy the same body and are bound by the six powers rule.

Powers: Mending, as well as encyclopedic knowledge on ALL Magic, (if possible then low level Transmutation as well). Joy is well known in Zeytran's head for not taking Sorrow's lies and deception, as well as trying to mend any damage Sorrow has done, Joy is thus rather famous inside the tempest for being one of the few to stand up to Sorrow(others being Rage and Hate, as well as Jealousy)

Does Zeytran have the ability to mend (whatever that means)? As I just stated with Sorrow, Joy must also abide by the body rule. Also, how does Joy know about all magic? Does Joy know everything about Magic, or certain fields? If it's the former, it's not allowed. If it's the latter, what specific fields does Joy know? The last description isn't a power; it's a personality.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Mon Sep 07, 2015 3:29 pm

Professor Utonium wrote:
youngjusticeforever wrote:I'd say it isn't OP, compare to other things that are possible, and Charm Voice does not forcibly influence, you cannot forcibly influence.

I wouldn't argue with what the mods say is OP or not.

*sigh* I wasn't arguing, I'm just stating the facts.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  zerowing21 on Mon Sep 07, 2015 3:36 pm

Young, please answer Kyra's points.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Mon Sep 07, 2015 3:40 pm

Kyra_Xyrespace wrote:
youngjusticeforever wrote:Powers:
Spoiler:
Magic(mostly Dark Magic), Charm Voice(very low powered and rarely used), as well as able to create White Flames, and finally Telekinesis(and I can use it, because Them uses it, so it's the same restrictions) Zeytran himself is an Elementalist, which is rather strange due to his family coming from a long line of Pyro's and Noctem's. Zeytran prefers to use Sound abilities, a signature move is Charm Voice.
Sonic Shockwave, High, Zeytran will focus Sonic power into a concussive blast(drains a lot of energy)
Charm Voice, Medium, Zeytran can combine Sonics with his natural Alluring nature into a Charm Voice, which can influence decisions sometimes however Zeytran rarely uses this
Echolation, high, self explanatory is it not?
Sound Vacuum, low, Zeytran can silence a foe or ally temporarily so long as concentration is maintained

He cannot have all of this. Please limit it to six. Six is the maximum allowed attacks/spells to have.

Zeytran is very intelligent(yet sometimes forgets it and remembers it later)

Does he forget he's smart? Or do you mean he just forgets in general?

Name: Sorrow
Powers: Sorrow is a master at deception, Sorrow has the capabilities to mess with an opponents mind, so high level Illusion, exceptionally strong but very slow, Sorrow may try to make foes or allies alike see things that aren't there and slowly drive the victim to the brink of insanity in which Sorrow takes pleasure in
Weaknesses/Dislikes: Joy(personality), pleasant emotions, any Demon who will stand up to him(not that Sorrow will admit it, but any who do stand up to him usually gain his respect) and when Joy fixes all of Sorrow's "fun"
Strengths/Likes: Pain, Misery, Hate(Personality), Hate, Driving others to the brink of Insanity, other being's misery and suffering
Note: Sorrow is an absolute sadist(I'll tone it down if you request)

This isn't Sorrow. At no point would anyone anywhere call this sorrow; he is the furthest thing from what sorrow is, and there would be no reason for anyone including himself to call him Sorrow. His name would be more inline with Psychotic since he ticks off enough boxes.

Powers: Sorrow is a master at deception, Sorrow has the capabilities to mess with an opponents mind, so high level Illusion, exceptionally strong but very slow, Sorrow may try to make foes or allies alike see things that aren't there and slowly drive the victim to the brink of insanity in which Sorrow takes pleasure in

The first isn't a power, it's a skill, so it'd belong in strengths. Does Zeytran have the ability of Illusion? If not, then Sorrow cannot have it since they still occupy the same body and are bound by the six powers rule.

Powers: Mending, as well as encyclopedic knowledge on ALL Magic, (if possible then low level Transmutation as well). Joy is well known in Zeytran's head for not taking Sorrow's lies and deception, as well as trying to mend any damage Sorrow has done, Joy is thus rather famous inside the tempest for being one of the few to stand up to Sorrow(others being Rage and Hate, as well as Jealousy)

Does Zeytran have the ability to mend (whatever that means)? As I just stated with Sorrow, Joy must also abide by the body rule. Also, how does Joy know about all magic? Does Joy know everything about Magic, or certain fields? If it's the former, it's not allowed. If it's the latter, what specific fields does Joy know? The last description isn't a power; it's a personality.

Charm Voice, Sonic Shockwave, White Flame Creation, Telekinesis, Echolation and Sonic Vacuum, that seems like six to me.

He forgets things, it's like a "You need to wait for him to remember" thing. It happens with Ella from PJO or HoO.

That's what he's named though, the personalities name is Sorrow, because I'm not naming him Psychotic. He acts Sad and Sorrow-y before turning Psychotic. That's just how Sorrow works.

I was going under the assumption that if the personalities were different enough, they might get different powers, I think someone mentioned it in Them's profile.

It's the latter, albeit somewhat advanced. Joy's knowledge on Magic is simple. Joy knows about Mending(isn't this a Magic type?), Noctem and Sound.

zerowing21 wrote:Young, please answer Kyra's points.

I did. When I see a big post like Kyra's, I need to open another tab so I can view it from there, it's a process Razz
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  zerowing21 on Mon Sep 07, 2015 3:43 pm

Alright, ty and sorry for getting on you about it.

Them's personalities all use the same power. They do not have different powers at all. If the different personalities all had different powers, it would be OP and wouldn't be fair to others.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Mon Sep 07, 2015 3:53 pm

zerowing21 wrote:Alright, ty and sorry for getting on you about it.

Them's personalities all use the same power. They do not have different powers at all. If the different personalities all had different powers, it would be OP and wouldn't be fair to others.

It's okay. and GAH! *sighs* this is going to take a long time....I plan on having Joy make his first appearence later on, like in maybe a few months(praying this gets approved by then) when Sorrow starts getting out of control. So the main thing is, Joy can be dealt with later as he won't be emerging any time soon. Sorrow..hm, dangit. Can't he just manipulate Sonic Fields to rearrange the molecu-nope, OP. I am NOT going on a molecular level unless needed, or if someone wants me to. Anyways, Sorrow's main thing is that he's a manipulator, a deciever. It's not only his defining trait: It's his life. He thrives when others writhe and struggle in misery, and he gets a kick out of it, a sick sadistic pleasure out of seeing others scream. I dun know what to do, are chemicals allowed? Is Biological Warfare allowed?
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  zerowing21 on Mon Sep 07, 2015 4:02 pm

As Kyra stated, the character's name is so misleading and is in way related to any kind of sorrow. Also, the character is forgetful then from what you're saying. He can still be that manipulator, he'll just have to do it in a more cunning way on his with the powers that the host body has. It is still a trait, a trait that defines him. I would prefer we not head into biological warfare to an extreme extent.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Tue Sep 08, 2015 1:28 am

zerowing21 wrote:As Kyra stated, the character's name is so misleading and is in way related to any kind of sorrow. Also, the character is forgetful then from what you're saying. He can still be that manipulator, he'll just have to do it in a more cunning way on his with the powers that the host body has. It is still a trait, a trait that defines him. I would prefer we not head into biological warfare to an extreme extent.

To me, Sorrow is intense sadness, and maybe some bits of Self-Loathing. While I'm not going to go into depth, Sorrow's character will quickly unravel, and I will update his profile to keep him in check if need be it. He's forgetful, but he is intelligent I guess he'll have to be more cunning. Fine, I won't go into biological warfare. What about psychological warfare?
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  zerowing21 on Tue Sep 08, 2015 10:22 am

The way you describe the personality isn't even sorrow at all. Myself and Kyra have taken psychology courses so we can tell the difference between what sorrow is and what it is not.

You can go with physiological, but just be warned the master of this will probably not like it.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:36 pm

zerowing21 wrote:The way you describe the personality isn't even sorrow at all. Myself and Kyra have taken psychology courses so we can tell the difference between what sorrow is and what it is not.

You can go with physiological, but just be warned the master of this will probably not like it.

It's the closest I can get that doesn't feel awkward. Like, Insanity wouldn't fit because he isn't Insane, Psycho is just weird, Sadness is just not him, Sorrow just seems fitting to me.

So I can use psychological? Excellent, Master of what?
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Professor Utonium on Tue Sep 08, 2015 10:59 pm

Perhaps having a character with Dissociative Identity Disorder isn't the best thing for your first character. Managing multiple personalities in one character could prove to be overbearing.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Tue Sep 08, 2015 11:12 pm

Professor Utonium wrote:Perhaps having a character with Dissociative Identity Disorder isn't the best thing for your first character. Managing multiple personalities in one character could prove to be overbearing.

Is there like a time-limit on how long you need to do it or whatever? In a lot of my RPs, you need to edit it within 7 days or it's deleted and frankly, I dun want this topic deleted.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Mr.Didathing on Tue Sep 08, 2015 11:18 pm

I don't think that's something you need to worry about.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Wed Sep 09, 2015 4:03 am

Mr.Didathing wrote:I don't think that's something you need to worry about.

Thank god.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  zerowing21 on Wed Sep 09, 2015 11:00 am

But Sadness and Sorrow are kind of the same thing, but Sorrow is just a more depressed state of sadness.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Wed Sep 09, 2015 11:53 pm

zerowing21 wrote:But Sadness and Sorrow are kind of the same thing, but Sorrow is just a more depressed state of sadness.

Eh, I'm keeping the term Sorrow.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Kyra_Xyrespace on Thu Sep 10, 2015 3:02 am

youngjusticeforever wrote:Powers: Magic(mostly Dark Magic), Charm Voice(very low powered and rarely used), as well as able to create White Flames, and finally Telekinesis(and I can use it, because Them uses it, so it's the same restrictions) Zeytran himself is an Elementalist, which is rather strange due to his family coming from a long line of Pyro's and Noctem's. Zeytran prefers to use Sound abilities, a signature move is Charm Voice.
Sonic Shockwave, High, Zeytran will focus Sonic power into a concussive blast(drains a lot of energy)
Charm Voice, Medium, Zeytran can combine Sonics with his natural Alluring nature into a Charm Voice, which can influence decisions sometimes however Zeytran rarely uses this
Echolation, high, self explanatory is it not?
Sound Vacuum, low, Zeytran can silence a foe or ally temporarily so long as concentration is maintained

So it seems he's focusing on sound magic, you have four attacks, and you still have Dark Magic, Telekinesis, Charm Voice, and White Flame listed. Two of those needs to be removed to align yourself with the six spells/attacks.

Appearance: Disguised to be more human in appearance, Zeytran has pale skin. He has ebony hair, and black feathered wings prodding out of his back. Zeytran's eyes are a dark violet.

What does he typically wear?

Also, here's just some mini-profiles for Sorrow and Joy, since they are more individuals (can they even get their own abilities?)

No. I've already explained it to you once before: they are personalities sharing the same body; they will be subjected to the same ruling. Six spells/attacks that they need to share amongst the three personalities. If they have abilities, then you need to limit Zeytran's abilities; if you want Zeytran to have the abilities, then the personalities are going to have to share them and remove theirs.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Tue Sep 22, 2015 7:42 pm

Anything else I need to fix?
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  zerowing21 on Tue Sep 22, 2015 7:53 pm

*points to what kyra told you to fix*
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Tue Sep 22, 2015 7:55 pm

zerowing21 wrote:*points to what kyra told you to fix*

I did. What else is there? I said what he usually wears, I removed Joy's mending power, I changed the powers. I did it all.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:19 pm

So, anything else I need to change?
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 9:30 pm

Powers: Magic(mostly Dark Magic) as well as able to create White Flames. Zeytran himself studies in Sound magic, which is rather strange due to his family coming from a long line of Pyro's and Noctem's. Zeytran prefers to use Sound abilities, a signature move is Charm Voice. He can also teleport in a flurry of...something

Okay since I'm still seeing some things that I find questionable I want to address them. Firstly I would suggest that you just keep (the word) Magic on the same line as (the word) Powers and then put the actual powers underneath. While its totally fine for you to use it like how you have it now, it would be easier to give a neater composition of your words so we can find the powers of your character better. And it would cause less confusion to us mods trying to figure out what are the descriptions and the names of the powers. (or if you don't want to do that you can just bold the names of the powers).

I would also like to point out that while you say he uses mostly Dark Magic I fail to see any of said magic in his power lineup. So I would suggest you remove the parenthesis and the words within them and just say that he has Sound Magic.

Okay now onto the actual powers themselves. The White Flames seem to have no purpose. What are they to Zeytran? Are they just props to show off? Can they do anything? If they can (like have flame properties of burning stuff) then they need to have an actual description like the rest of the powers you have listed.

Now you say that Zeytran uses Sound Magic but why would that be? As someone who has a family that uses both Shadow and Fire Magic what would be his reason for using Sound? It looks like a random element to partake in when the other two aren't necessarily connected to it in any way. Since you mentioned he was a Bard perhaps in the bio you can expand as to how he came to find Sound magic and if that's what caused him to want to be a Bard (If you are unsure on what a Bard is you can always ask to clarify).

As for Teleportation if he goes into a 'flurry of something' when he goes it would be best to tell us what that something is rather than just leave it as a vague concept. While you're at it this ability should probably be given its own description and tell us how far he can teleport how many times he can do this and how much this causes to strain on him. We don't want him having unlimited teleporting for that would be very over powered and unrealistic.


Sonic Shockwave, High, Zeytran will focus Sonic power into a concussive blast(drains a lot of energy)
Charm Voice, Medium, Zeytran can combine Sonics with his natural Alluring nature into a Charm Voice, which can influence decisions sometimes however Zeytran rarely uses this, it's similar to a Bard's power(Zeytran's a bard on his own though)
Sound Vacuum, Low, Zeytran can silence a foe or ally temporarily so long as concentration is maintained
Sonic Shriek, High(or between High and Medium), Zeytran can release an unhuman level of sound, he will use this at a concert

For Sonic Shockwave I merely would like to know exactly what this "Sonic" power is. Is it high velocity wind cutting everything like butter? A little more detail on what it does to the person its targeting would be appreciated.

In addition this may also help with understating what you mean when you say "Sonics" for your next power, Charm Voice. This would, again, give us more detail if you actually told us what the word means (Sonics) so we can gain a better understand on what your character can do with this power. Also what is his natural 'allure"? If this is part of who he is you will need to refer to it in the Personality section so that it will make sense in your description. And if it can only influence decisions sometimes then this power needs to be on low power.

A BIG change that I need to see is in the next power Sound Vacuum. It is entirely over powered to silence what someone says as long as the concentration stays. I would heavily suggest you have it limit to two or three minutes tops.

Lastly on the powers there needs to be more description for Sonic Shriek. How does it effect the opponent or the environment around it? And when you say he uses it at a concert is that the only place that he uses it? Is this what he uses when he plays as a Bard?


Strengths: Zeytran is very intelligent(yet sometimes forgets it and remembers it later) and he knows a lot about Demon and Magic, he also has a photographic memory of the Fusion Fall Universe(most of it, anyways). Zeytran also is very agile, and has above natural strength
Weaknesses: Noctem Magic, remembering things, his naive nature, his Schizophrenia(it makes it hard to concentrate a lot of the time, and stuff) and his ADHD

First off if Zeytran is as Intelligent as you claim then how come he forgets it only to remember it later? Like is he very humble about his smarts that he hardly uses what he knows? Or perhaps his has temporary amnesia? And how much is his knowledge of Demon Kind and Magic? Are those locked up away in his intelligence as well? In fact it would be best to tell us what sort of intelligence he has. Is it strictly on Demons and Magic? If so what kind of Magic does he know extensively?

Also when you say Photographic Memory are you referring to the world FusionFall takes place in? Like he knows most of the places in the rp by visual recognition?

Now for the dear weaknesses I have a question. How can a Demon be weak to Shadow (Noctem) Magic? Demons have a natural affinity for the darkness and shadows so this weakness will have to be invalid for this character.

And since you put down Schizophrenia I need to see you integrate it in the biography to see how it has impacted his life and how it STILL impacts his life. It can't be the multiple personalities because that would be Multiple Personality Disorder and NOT schizophrenia. So you can put that as a weakness instead and give a reason as to why its a weakness.


This is Part 1 of my Break-Down for this character for the sake of not having a too big of a post on everything I feel should be changed/expanded on for this character.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

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