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Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:12 pm

Personality: Zeytran is, simply put, a hotter than the core of the sun mess. He is ADHD, is Niave, multiple personalities, idolizes practically any Demon(which frequently gets them annoyed with his idolization because it's so much), and to top it all off his mood swings are so fluctuating that it's not even know how to classify it. Now, for the personalities themselves. Zeytran is the basic personality, and the one who idolizes all of the demons, niave and ADHD. He typically is somewhat optimistic, rather strange for a Demon but he is very smart. He enjoys music of all kinds and enjoys singing

Alright so what I'm getting is that Zeytran (when referring to 'hotter than the core of the sun mess) is that he has a bit of a Temper. If it does then you need to make it clear that its in his normal personality or in the personality you call 'Rage'. You also need to expand on how exactly he is Naive, ADHD, and how far he idolizes each demon. If it ties in with ADHD you need to make that connection so we can better understand the character. Now onto how you've gone with the personalities themselves.

Sorrow is the next personality and is extremely morbid, pemmistic and cruel, not to mention sadistic. Sorrow takes delight in causing others misery, but Sorrow can only take hold when the others are extremely weak. Sorrow loathes all beings with a vengeance, minus Zeytran, Hate and Demongo of course. Sorrow, unlike the others, prefers Sad music and will often write depressing Songs or Poetry, even stories!

For Sorrow either the name or the personality NEEDS to be changed. Because it does NOT make sense in the slightest. If anything most of Sorrow's 'personality' should go with Joy because of his 'enjoyment' of seeing others suffer because of his cruel nature. For 'enjoyment' is derived from 'happiness' which is another word for 'joy'. While the 'loathing', 'vengeance' and 'hate' should go towards either Hate or Rage. The only thing that makes sense at all for this personality is the fact he likes 'sad' music. If he is going to be 'Sorrow' then he should be depressed and sad. Maybe even have a lack of self confidence. But what you have currently is not acceptable for the name of this 'personality'.

Joy is the happy-go-lucky kind of demon. Joy is 100% optimistic and joyful, but, some reason, is very cruel without knowing it, perhaps Sorrow is manipulating Joy somehow? Joy also does not take anything from Sorrow, being one of the rare personalities/voices to do so. Joy loves happy music, like, ring-a-round-the-rosie and the other stuff. Joy does not sing though

While what you have for Joy is completely acceptable I would think that being a Demon would mean some more dark and twisted sense of 'joy'. Like I mentioned above I think Joy would be more interesting and more well placed with the 'morbid' and 'cruel' nature that you gave to Sorrow. I would love to see Joy be that sort of 'kind on the outside but evil and cruel on the outside' just to see how he affects the world when people see how he truly is! Not to mention amusing~

Hate is another personality. Hate hates everyone. Even herself.Hate hates hating everything. Hate is also extremely timid and shy, hiding behind and following Sorrow around. Hate also enjoys seeing other people suffer.

There's not much about Hate that I have a problem with other than maybe putting in the 'loathing' there since both words are around the same emotion. I do like how she's timid and shy, though maybe she is the nasty temper that Zeytran has?

Rage is...a complete idiot. Rage is a new personality, and is full of Wrath and Rage. Rage is like all of Zeytran's anger bottled up, administering it when needed. Rage is stupid, sometimes accidently taking control, but Zeytran seems to like Rage Zeytran also has, lesser important personalities/voices(which won't make an major appearances, though Zeytran may talk to them out-loud like he does with Sorrow and Joy)

Rage seems the least developed, but, again like Hate, I see no problem with this. Though I would like to know why Zeytran likes Rage. I would also suggest taking out the last bit talking about the Other Voices/Personalities that he hears. It seems he has quite enough emotions already and doesn't need any more.

If you do come to find yourself overwhelmed or you feel like you cannot make any or most of the changes I have suggested to you above then I suggest you just change the personality's names all together. Give them actual names so that who they are aren't governed by the name of emotion they are given. If you decide to do this there won't be any issues with what you have down currently.




This is Part 2 of my Break-Down for this character for the sake of not having a too big of a post on everything I feel should be changed/expanded on for this character.


Last edited by Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:28 pm

History: In the Underworld, there were two inseparable "friends": Demongo and Zeytran. One day, Demongo saw Zeytran being bullied and taking pity, decided to help him out with his souls, Zeytran thanked Demongo and started to follow Demongo around, asking to hang out. Demongo, tired out by his persistence, agreed to shut him up. Demongo himself was amused and entertained by Zeytran's antics and child-like behavior, and they eventually started hanging out more often partially due to Zeytran's persistence and due to Demongo seeing potential. Demongo often pitied Zeytran. They both bonded over a mutual fascination with Magic and Souls, where Demongo stride in Soul Stealing, Zeytran couldn't even perform it on a mouse. This however made their bond "stronger", much to Aku's chagrin (?) As Demongo tried to help his friend, Zeytran eventually quit and he pursued other interests, such as elemental magic.

Alright for the first part of your Biography. While I'm aware in the second paragraph that you reveal that Demongo is manipulating Zeytran you should let it be known in the first paragraph when Demo 'helped' him out of pity. That way it wouldn't make the Soul Collector seemingly out of character with wanting to 'bond' with Zeytran. And you should clarify exactly why the demon's inability to take the soul of a mouse helped make the 'bond' between Demo and your character 'stronger'. What information did it give Demongo?

On another note I would change his pursued interest from 'elemental' magic to 'sound' magic. Since that seems to be his main expertise in skill.


Demongo all the while, was manipulating Zeytran to become hateful and despise the world yet be loyal to Demongo. Demongo quickly realized that Zeytran had even greater potential than he thought and thus he tried harder, slowly making Sorrow become more and more prominent, which opened yet another Can of Worms. Zeytran eventually learned of his MPD(Demongo knew about it), and he promptly hid it, fearful of persecution, that's when he learned his special talent: He naturally gives off an alluring aura, and if that wasn't enough, he could focus it enough into a charm voice, through intense concentration. Zeytran if that wasn't bad enough, lost control to Sorrow for a few hours, and he learned that his personalities could control his body at times, and he started to distance himself off of from all, including Demongo. Demongo tried to pursue Zeytran, in which they ended up arguing. Zeytran gave into Sorrow's twisted and sick games by attacking Demongo angrily. As Sorrow gave Zeytran doubts about nearly everything, eventually Zeytran nearly ended giving in entirely to Sorrow, before Joy made his presence known. Zeytran wandered around for a time, before the war started. During some of those travels, Zeytran in a way, transformed. Zeytran didn't know much about fusions and initially thought they were cool, till they started attacking him. That's when he was dismayed to learn that his Charm Voice didn't affect Fusions, as their fusion matter was capable of resisting it. Sorrow, feels indebted to Demongo for showing him how the world really is, and Sorrow constantly tries to show that to Zeytran and Joy, as well as the others.

For the second part it would be best to tell us how Zeytran was unable to realize that his personalities took over his body when they emerged. Were they unable to do before because they needed something specific to be triggered? Or did he have amnesia? I also have to point out that if Zeytran has an Alluring Aura you need to mention it in his personality as a natural Charisma and/or in the Power section as a passive ability.

You also mentioned a transformation in Zeytran as he traveled the world. What sort of transformation did he get? Was it some sort of power? Or did he gain better control over his emotions?



This is Part 3 of my Break-Down for this character for the sake of not having a too big of a post on everything I feel should be changed/expanded on for this character.[/b][/quote]

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:36 pm

Blueyedemoness wrote:
Powers: Magic(mostly Dark Magic) as well as able to create White Flames. Zeytran himself studies in Sound magic, which is rather strange due to his family coming from a long line of Pyro's and Noctem's. Zeytran prefers to use Sound abilities, a signature move is Charm Voice. He can also teleport in a flurry of...something

Okay since I'm still seeing some things that I find questionable I want to address them. Firstly I would suggest that you just keep (the word) Magic on the same line as (the word) Powers and then put the actual powers underneath. While its totally fine for you to use it like how you have it now, it would be easier to give a neater composition of your words so we can find the powers of your character better. And it would cause less confusion to us mods trying to figure out what are the descriptions and the names of the powers. (or if you don't want to do that you can just bold the names of the powers).

I would also like to point out that while you say he uses mostly Dark Magic I fail to see any of said magic in his power lineup. So I would suggest you remove the parenthesis and the words within them and just say that he has Sound Magic.

Okay now onto the actual powers themselves. The White Flames seem to have no purpose. What are they to Zeytran? Are they just props to show off? Can they do anything? If they can (like have flame properties of burning stuff) then they need to have an actual description like the rest of the powers you have listed.

Now you say that Zeytran uses Sound Magic but why would that be? As someone who has a family that uses both Shadow and Fire Magic what would be his reason for using Sound? It looks like a random element to partake in when the other two aren't necessarily connected to it in any way. Since you mentioned he was a Bard perhaps in the bio you can expand as to how he came to find Sound magic and if that's what caused him to want to be a Bard (If you are unsure on what a Bard is you can always ask to clarify).

As for Teleportation if he goes into a 'flurry of something' when he goes it would be best to tell us what that something is rather than just leave it as a vague concept. While you're at it this ability should probably be given its own description and tell us how far he can teleport how many times he can do this and how much this causes to strain on him. We don't want him having unlimited teleporting for that would be very over powered and unrealistic.


Sonic Shockwave, High, Zeytran will focus Sonic power into a concussive blast(drains a lot of energy)
Charm Voice, Medium, Zeytran can combine Sonics with his natural Alluring nature into a Charm Voice, which can influence decisions sometimes however Zeytran rarely uses this, it's similar to a Bard's power(Zeytran's a bard on his own though)
Sound Vacuum, Low, Zeytran can silence a foe or ally temporarily so long as concentration is maintained
Sonic Shriek, High(or between High and Medium), Zeytran can release an unhuman level of sound, he will use this at a concert

For Sonic Shockwave I merely would like to know exactly what this "Sonic" power is. Is it high velocity wind cutting everything like butter? A little more detail on what it does to the person its targeting would be appreciated.

In addition this may also help with understating what you mean when you say "Sonics" for your next power, Charm Voice. This would, again, give us more detail if you actually told us what the word means (Sonics) so we can gain a better understand on what your character can do with this power. Also what is his natural 'allure"? If this is part of who he is you will need to refer to it in the Personality section so that it will make sense in your description. And if it can only influence decisions sometimes then this power needs to be on low power.

A BIG change that I need to see is in the next power Sound Vacuum. It is entirely over powered to silence what someone says as long as the concentration stays. I would heavily suggest you have it limit to two or three minutes tops.

Lastly on the powers there needs to be more description for Sonic Shriek. How does it effect the opponent or the environment around it? And when you say he uses it at a concert is that the only place that he uses it? Is this what he uses when he plays as a Bard?


Strengths: Zeytran is very intelligent(yet sometimes forgets it and remembers it later) and he knows a lot about Demon and Magic, he also has a photographic memory of the Fusion Fall Universe(most of it, anyways). Zeytran also is very agile, and has above natural strength
Weaknesses: Noctem Magic, remembering things, his naive nature, his Schizophrenia(it makes it hard to concentrate a lot of the time, and stuff) and his ADHD

First off if Zeytran is as Intelligent as you claim then how come he forgets it only to remember it later? Like is he very humble about his smarts that he hardly uses what he knows? Or perhaps his has temporary amnesia? And how much is his knowledge of Demon Kind and Magic? Are those locked up away in his intelligence as well? In fact it would be best to tell us what sort of intelligence he has. Is it strictly on Demons and Magic? If so what kind of Magic does he know extensively?

Also when you say Photographic Memory are you referring to the world FusionFall takes place in? Like he knows most of the places in the rp by visual recognition?

Now for the dear weaknesses I have a question. How can a Demon be weak to Shadow (Noctem) Magic? Demons have a natural affinity for the darkness and shadows so this weakness will have to be invalid for this character.

And since you put down Schizophrenia I need to see you integrate it in the biography to see how it has impacted his life and how it STILL impacts his life. It can't be the multiple personalities because that would be Multiple Personality Disorder and NOT schizophrenia. So you can put that as a weakness instead and give a reason as to why its a weakness.


This is Part 1 of my Break-Down for this character for the sake of not having a too big of a post on everything I feel should be changed/expanded on for this character.

What's a Bard? CRUD! I keep forgetting Schizophrenia isn't MPD...
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:49 pm

Name: Sorrow
Powers: Sorrow's got the same powers as Zeytran
Weaknesses/Dislikes: Joy(personality), Joy(the being)pleasant emotions, any Demon who will stand up to him(not that Sorrow will admit it, but any who do stand up to him usually gain his respect) and when Joy fixes all of Sorrow's "fun"
Strengths/Likes: Pain, Misery, Hate(Personality), Hate(the being), Driving others to the brink of Insanity, other being's misery and suffering
Note: Sorrow is an absolute sadist(I'll tone it down if you request), Zeytran can often be seen muttering something like "Stop being mean to Joy, Hate and Sorrow!" implying Sorrow has at least a positive interaction with Hate, more so than others

So Sorrow has the same powers as Zeytran, does that imply that he is the main personality? Or just the one that Zey uses/gets used by the most? If he secretly gains respect for demons who stand up to him then this should be moved to Likes and not Dislike.

And as I, and the other mods have pointed out, Sorrow's name does not make sense with his personality. You need to either change the name or change the personality to have the name make sense. If it doesn't make sense then it can't be accepted as his name.


Name: Joy
Powers: Encyclopedic knowledge on ALL Magic. Joy is well known in Zeytran's head for not taking Sorrow's lies and deception, as well as trying to mend any damage Sorrow has done, Joy is thus rather famous inside the tempest for being one of the few to stand up to Sorrow(others being Rage and Hate, as well as Jealousy)
Weaknesses/Dislikes: Unnecessary Violence, Hate, Chicken(can't resist it), Fighting
Strengths/Likes: Helping others, fixing Sorrow's actions, when people are kind, the thought of more Healing power
Note: Zeytran can often be seen going "Stop fighting, Joy, Sorrow, don't get involved Rage, you're better than that!" which implies that Joy does fight with Sorrow and others, making Joy somewhat of a hypocrite

Joy can't know ALL magic. If anything he should at most be an expert on Sound Magic since Zey is the most proficient in that magic type. And as I mentioned in the previous post I think it would be really interesting if, perhaps, Joy was the sadistic one since the pleasure of seeing others hurt is just another form of utter enjoyment. It would also make all the more sense since he's a Demon.

On a side note is his want to mend things go for mentally? For all the dark/twisted personalty that are from the other emotions?


Name: Hate
Powers: Zeytran's Powers(reference if needed)
Weaknesses/Dislikes: Everybody, everything...even rocks
Strengths/Likes: Seeing other people suffer, fighting
Note: While Hate is considered a powerful feeling, Hate, feels she is weak and useless, and thus reluctant to take hold over the body(YES. Hate is a She.)

As much as Hate is exactly on what the personality is named after you should give her more developement. Why does she hate everything? Where is the source of Zeytran's hate coming from? The world? Himself? And why does she like to see others suffer? Isn't that more of 'Sorrow's' thing?

Name: Rage
Powers: Zeytran's Powers, although Rage refuses to use White Flames
Weaknesses/Dislikes: People who have wronged Zeytran and Himself
Strengths/Likes: Negative Reactions, Displeasure and Fusions("those arrogant, pompous, knock-offs!")
Note: Rage is conflicting, as he enjoys Negative Reactions yet loathes them as well

Why do you suddenly reference the White Flames now? Since you've only mentioned them once and haven't put them under powers this comments makes little to no sense. Other than that most of this looks like it makes a lot of sense other than the last part with him loathing negative reactions. If you could expand on why he loathes them as well that would be great

This is Part 4 and Final Part of my Break-Down for this character for the sake of not having a too big of a post on everything I feel should be changed/expanded on for this character.[/b]

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:52 pm

youngjusticeforever wrote:
What's a Bard? CRUD! I keep forgetting Schizophrenia isn't MPD...

If you don't know what it means then I can let you know, or you can look it up.

Also I would appreciate if you, you know, read all of my post and then responded to ALL of it and not such petty things as how you perceive one or two statements of mine.


Last edited by Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:05 pm

Blueyedemoness wrote:
History: In the Underworld, there were two inseparable "friends": Demongo and Zeytran. One day, Demongo saw Zeytran being bullied and taking pity, decided to help him out with his souls, Zeytran thanked Demongo and started to follow Demongo around, asking to hang out. Demongo, tired out by his persistence, agreed to shut him up. Demongo himself was amused and entertained by Zeytran's antics and child-like behavior, and they eventually started hanging out more often partially due to Zeytran's persistence and due to Demongo seeing potential. Demongo often pitied Zeytran. They both bonded over a mutual fascination with Magic and Souls, where Demongo stride in Soul Stealing, Zeytran couldn't even perform it on a mouse. This however made their bond "stronger", much to Aku's chagrin (?) As Demongo tried to help his friend, Zeytran eventually quit and he pursued other interests, such as elemental magic.

Alright for the first part of your Biography. While I'm aware in the second paragraph that you reveal that Demongo is manipulating Zeytran you should let it be known in the first paragraph when Demo 'helped' him out of pity. That way it wouldn't make the Soul Collector seemingly out of character with wanting to 'bond' with Zeytran. And you should clarify exactly why the demon's inability to take the soul of a mouse helped make the 'bond' between Demo and your character 'stronger'. What information did it give Demongo?

On another note I would change his pursued interest from 'elemental' magic to 'sound' magic. Since that seems to be his main expertise in skill.


Demongo all the while, was manipulating Zeytran to become hateful and despise the world yet be loyal to Demongo. Demongo quickly realized that Zeytran had even greater potential than he thought and thus he tried harder, slowly making Sorrow become more and more prominent, which opened yet another Can of Worms. Zeytran eventually learned of his MPD(Demongo knew about it), and he promptly hid it, fearful of persecution, that's when he learned his special talent: He naturally gives off an alluring aura, and if that wasn't enough, he could focus it enough into a charm voice, through intense concentration. Zeytran if that wasn't bad enough, lost control to Sorrow for a few hours, and he learned that his personalities could control his body at times, and he started to distance himself off of from all, including Demongo. Demongo tried to pursue Zeytran, in which they ended up arguing. Zeytran gave into Sorrow's twisted and sick games by attacking Demongo angrily. As Sorrow gave Zeytran doubts about nearly everything, eventually Zeytran nearly ended giving in entirely to Sorrow, before Joy made his presence known. Zeytran wandered around for a time, before the war started. During some of those travels, Zeytran in a way, transformed. Zeytran didn't know much about fusions and initially thought they were cool, till they started attacking him. That's when he was dismayed to learn that his Charm Voice didn't affect Fusions, as their fusion matter was capable of resisting it. Sorrow, feels indebted to Demongo for showing him how the world really is, and Sorrow constantly tries to show that to Zeytran and Joy, as well as the others.

For the second part it would be best to tell us how Zeytran was unable to realize that his personalities took over his body when they emerged. Were they unable to do before because they needed something specific to be triggered? Or did he have amnesia? I also have to point out that if Zeytran has an Alluring Aura you need to mention it in his personality as a natural Charisma and/or in the Power section as a passive ability.

You also mentioned a transformation in Zeytran as he traveled the world. What sort of transformation did he get? Was it some sort of power? Or did he gain better control over his emotions?



This is Part 3 of my Break-Down for this character for the sake of not having a too big of a post on everything I feel should be changed/expanded on for this character.[/b]
[/quote]

What do you mean by the bolded? Also, I'm making edits to it, so I'm only making small comments on things IDK how to change
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:09 pm

youngjusticeforever wrote:
What do you mean by the bolded? Also, I'm making edits to it, so I'm only making small comments on things IDK how to change

I simply wanted to know how did Zeytran not know about his personalities before Demongo came into his life. Were they inactive before Demongo came in?

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:13 pm

Blueyedemoness wrote:
youngjusticeforever wrote:
What do you mean by the bolded? Also, I'm making edits to it, so I'm only making small comments on things IDK how to change

I simply wanted to know how did Zeytran not know about his personalities before Demongo came into his life. Were they inactive before Demongo came in?

I'd like to think more of that Demongo was a trigger source, because Zeytran had no real friends or even fake friends before Demongo. This would cause a trigger, allowing the personalities to awaken.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:19 pm

youngjusticeforever wrote:I'd like to think more of that Demongo was a trigger source, because Zeytran had no real friends or even fake friends before Demongo. This would cause a trigger, allowing the personalities to awaken.

Ah I see! I think that can work. It can be like having someone there causes his own emotions to intensify to the point where they become almost separate beings with their own likes, dislikes, in part with Zeytran's own loves and hates. Thus triggering the Multiple Personality Disorder.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:22 pm

Blueyedemoness wrote:
youngjusticeforever wrote:I'd like to think more of that Demongo was a trigger source, because Zeytran had no real friends or even fake friends before Demongo. This would cause a trigger, allowing the personalities to awaken.

Ah I see! I think that can work. It can be like having someone there causes his own emotions to intensify to the point where they become almost separate beings with their own likes, dislikes, in part with Zeytran's own loves and hates. Thus triggering the Multiple Personality Disorder.

Yeah. Just think if you were Zeytran for a second. Having spent most of your life alone and lonely. Then one day, someone helps you from bullies. You're going to have intense emotions, now imagine that for a Demon..then for Zeytran. Yeah, basically his MPD was triggered by Demongo. Also, about Demongo, I noticed that he's a player. Who controls that account? Because...I really don't want to have one of those "I was your friend!" "I don't remember you" and back n forth stuff...
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Kaiser on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:28 pm

Who controls that account? Because...I really don't want to have one of those "I was your friend!" "I don't remember you" and back n forth stuff...

At this time, no user has requested access to him. The only people using him at the moment are the rp coordinators. But you shouldn't be worrying about that right now, worry about fixing your character and getting him accepted before worrying about Demongo.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:31 pm

Kaiser wrote:
Who controls that account? Because...I really don't want to have one of those "I was your friend!" "I don't remember you" and back n forth stuff...

At this time, no user has requested access to him. The only people using him at the moment are the rp coordinators. But you shouldn't be worrying about that right now, worry about fixing your character and getting him accepted before worrying about Demongo.

I'm not worried about Zeytran though.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:32 pm

youngjusticeforever wrote:Yeah. Just think if you were Zeytran for a second. Having spent most of your life alone and lonely. Then one day, someone helps you from bullies. You're going to have intense emotions, now imagine that for a Demon..then for Zeytran. Yeah, basically his MPD was triggered by Demongo. Also, about Demongo, I noticed that he's a player. Who controls that account? Because...I really don't want to have one of those "I was your friend!" "I don't remember you" and back n forth stuff...

Yea it does make sense. I have a character who felt that way for a long time and she has a sort of a back and forth between being hostile and being shy and anxious depending on the person she's with.

As as Kaiser said there's no one controlling Demo but us. You don't have to worry about him right now though. Once your character is up and ready to rp we can help you out with the other questions you have!

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:34 pm

Blueyedemoness wrote:
youngjusticeforever wrote:Yeah. Just think if you were Zeytran for a second. Having spent most of your life alone and lonely. Then one day, someone helps you from bullies. You're going to have intense emotions, now imagine that for a Demon..then for Zeytran. Yeah, basically his MPD was triggered by Demongo. Also, about Demongo, I noticed that he's a player. Who controls that account? Because...I really don't want to have one of those "I was your friend!" "I don't remember you" and back n forth stuff...

Yea it does make sense. I have a character who felt that way for a long time and she has a sort of a back and forth between being hostile and being shy and anxious depending on the person she's with.

As as Kaiser said there's no one controlling Demo but us. You don't have to worry about him right now though. Once your character is up and ready to rp we can help you out with the other questions you have!

Yays. But yeah, so his MPD was triggered by Demongo. Go Demongo. Woot Razz

Ah, okay then! Any other concerns/issues/complaints/questions/you get the idea about Zey?
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Kaiser on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:37 pm

I meant focus on your character, not worry. My bad.

As for the situation though, it really depends on how Demongo feels. He might very well do that in order to see if Zeytran's improved since they last met since he's a cunning fellow. If Zeytran gets hurt by that, that might awaken Sorrow and push Demongo's agenda along. He's also been influenced since the last time the two met, so he might put an actual effort to befriend him. It's up in the air what he might do.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:40 pm

Kaiser wrote:I meant focus on your character, not worry. My bad.

As for the situation though, it really depends on how Demongo feels. He might very well do that in order to see if Zeytran's improved since they last met since he's a cunning fellow. If Zeytran gets hurt by that, that might awaken Sorrow and push Demongo's agenda along. He's also been influenced since the last time the two met, so he might put an actual effort to befriend him. It's up in the air what he might do.

Ah, okay. No problemo!

Indeed, just do note. When Demongo presumably last saw Zeytran, he looked vastly different, much more demonic. And he only knew two things. The White Flame thingy and Sonic Shockwave, although he probably suspected of Charm Voice. Wait, what would he do to see if Zeytran improved? Also, it's Pain now, not Sorrow. I really just expect to have something happen that will help. Either he'll try to actually befriend him, causing Pain to get mad and try harder. Or he won't, and Zeytran and Joy will slowly scumb to the doubt's Pain will give them. Joy won't be fully convinced tho.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Kaiser on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:49 pm

You know, have Zeytran do that whole "beat some sense into him" kind of thing if Demongo so decides to ridicule him once he decides to reveal he remembers him being a weakling if he decides that he wants to use Zeytran instead of befriend him.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:52 pm

Kaiser wrote:You know, have Zeytran do that whole "beat some sense into him" kind of thing if Demongo so decides to ridicule him once he decides to reveal he remembers him being a weakling if he decides that he wants to use Zeytran instead of befriend him.


True. Now, onto the profile! Would you say it's good to go?
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Kaiser on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:59 pm

The basic definition of a bard is this:

a poet, traditionally one reciting epics and associated with a particular oral tradition.

They usually recited said epics with the accompaniment of an instrument. So pretty much, Zeytran is a singing poet if he is a bard. I'd incorporate that into his personality and history as well if you want to keep that aspect of him. Maybe this music is something that calms him down while Pain is trying to take him over.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Mon Sep 28, 2015 12:01 am

Kaiser wrote:The basic definition of a bard is this:

a poet, traditionally one reciting epics and associated with a particular oral tradition.

They usually recited said epics with the accompaniment of an instrument. So pretty much, Zeytran is a singing poet if he is a bard. I'd incorporate that into his personality and history as well if you want to keep that aspect of him. Maybe this music is something that calms him down while Pain is trying to take him over.  

Oh, I thought a Bard was someone who had an alluring Sound thingy...he's not a bard then.
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Kaiser on Mon Sep 28, 2015 12:07 am

They are. People would be attracted to their recitement of these epics because they sounded so beautiful and want to keep listening to them, or alluring people around them.

If he's not a bard, he can't have Charm Voice. The only people that have access to influencing people through sound are bards.

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Mon Sep 28, 2015 12:12 am

Kaiser wrote:They are. People would be attracted to their recitement of these epics because they sounded so beautiful and want to keep listening to them, or alluring people around them.

If he's not a bard, he can't have Charm Voice. The only people that have access to influencing people through sound are bards.

I'm so confused now >.<

Zeytran doesn't naturally write poems, that's Pain's job. But they all have an alluring thing about them, akin to a Bard I suppose. So, he needs to be bard to access Charm Voice? Very well. Does he have to write poems?
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Mon Sep 28, 2015 12:16 am

youngjusticeforever wrote:Yays. But yeah, so his MPD was triggered by Demongo. Go Demongo. Woot Razz

Ah, okay then! Any other concerns/issues/complaints/questions/you get the idea about Zey?

Yep! Ely is not gonna be happy when she hears of that!

Hrm well I have to say I'm really proud of how you made the changes! Your profile is coming along wonderfully! Though I do believe that Charm Voice should low, but with adding the passive ability of Natural Allure I can give this a pass~ Though from what Kaiser said this probably isn't valid anymore... Charm Voice I mean.

Sonic Shriek could probably be a Medium with how its presented. Unless, like, you want to have it where it severely hurts the ears of others within a specific radius from Zeytran. Something not too large but not too small probably (Unfortunately I'm not a wizz at distance ratio)

The only other thing I may be iffy about is the teleportation. How many times could he use it without going the max?

Also I have to say I like how you changed Sorrow's name to Pain! Its fits very well with the personality now!

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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  youngjusticeforever on Mon Sep 28, 2015 12:20 am

Blueyedemoness wrote:
youngjusticeforever wrote:Yays. But yeah, so his MPD was triggered by Demongo. Go Demongo. Woot Razz

Ah, okay then! Any other concerns/issues/complaints/questions/you get the idea about Zey?

Yep! Ely is not gonna be happy when she hears of that!

Hrm well I have to say I'm really proud of how you made the changes! Your profile is coming along wonderfully! Though I do believe that Charm Voice should low, but with adding the passive ability of Natural Allure I can give this a pass~ Though from what Kaiser said this probably isn't valid anymore... Charm Voice I mean.

Sonic Shriek could probably be a Medium with how its presented. Unless, like, you want to have it where it severely hurts the ears of others within a specific radius from Zeytran. Something not too large but not too small probably (Unfortunately I'm not a wizz at distance ratio)

The only other thing I may be iffy about is the teleportation. How many times could he use it without going the max?

Also I have to say I like how you changed Sorrow's name to Pain! Its fits very well with the personality now!

No she will not.

Thank you, I'm just trying to get this though as quick as I can.

How can I keep Charm Voice? I'm not sure if I can keep them as POEMS, exactly, but Songs I think could work. Or just words.

Well, Sonic Shriek's probably going to end up medium. Well, I'd say maybe 5 times, max before tiring out.

Thanks!
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Re: Zeytran, the alluring Demon [Removed]

Post  Blueyedemoness on Mon Sep 28, 2015 7:34 am

youngjusticeforever wrote:No she will not.

Thank you, I'm just trying to get this though as quick as I can.

How can I keep Charm Voice? I'm not sure if I can keep them as POEMS, exactly, but Songs I think could work. Or just words.

Well, Sonic Shriek's probably going to end up medium. Well, I'd say maybe 5 times, max before tiring out.

Thanks!

You're welcome, and don't worry about it! Sometimes it takes a while to get a character together and to mold them into something that can fit in the world. I've done it lots of times myself when I'd have to remold a character I have to fit within the universe of a new rp. But it helped me give new ideas about who she/he would be; hopefully this will help you develop Zey not only in character creation but throughout the rp when he's accepted~

Hrm well I'm not totally sure on that front since I'm not such a music expert as Kaiser is. Though perhaps he likes to write songs that are like poems maybe? What do you think Kaiser?

Ah I see well that's good and the 5 times before he runs out sounds pretty good to me! Make sure to let us know in the profile then~

And you're welcome~

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